Why We Put Exceeding Pressure On Vacations

Recently I have been feeling a lack of inspiration from my life. It’s hard to pinpoint just where I feel it derived from, but it’s definitely there. I sometimes believe it’s from my job because I put so much time, effort, and life into it. More precisely, I put almost all of my energy into my job but get very little in return. I was taught that jobs are hardly ever rewarding, just necessary for survival. Therefore, I should be grateful for a paycheck, even if it is spent mainly on bills and groceries. In addition, I should also be grateful to receive health benefits, but the benefits even with paying the highest premium, don’t account for the overall lack of the healthcare system. Ever since COVID and the loss of family, including my mother, health and well-being have become a priority for me. I hate to sound so cliché, but life and livelihood never get brought to the precipice more until you lose someone close and/or someone you depended on. You start to wonder how you can better prepare yourself for the worst. Even though to some degree the worst has already happened. The anxious thoughts that others, who haven’t experienced death, can rationalize away, now become a constant loop that’s harder to get out of because one of your worst fears came true. Suddenly the things that used to cheer you up, no longer have that same effect. And you long for the days when life was much simpler, the possibilities seemed endless, and time was in abundance instead of absolute scarcity. In these moments I found writing and reading really brought me the most comfort. In these forms of escapism, I felt fulfilled. To be honest, I’m not sure how much of an escape it brought me when I would write about the feelings I was trying to escape or read books that echoed my struggles. However, the more time I spend neglecting this craft, the more I want my life to revolve around it. I want my career to revolve around writing as a way to reciprocate the joy I receive from literature in my own compositions. Unfortunately, the stifling nature of my current scenery and job does the opposite of nurturing any creative writing skills. And the more I clocked in to work each day, I could feel every ounce of inspiration and optimism slip away from achieving my dream. So, the logical next step was to take some time off, recharge, and find the motivation to keep working toward my goals.

As I requested the days off for vacation, I thought of destinations that weren’t in Florida. And in the most opposite turn of direction from every other person on summer vacation, I decided to travel north, away from the sunshine state, to one of my favorite cities, New York. New York has always fueled me with so much inspiration and drive every time I visited in the past. Since I was old enough to travel alone, New York was where I would always find myself for a vacation. My first trip was around 2007 or 2008. I can’t be too exact considering the pictures I took were on a mini digital camera I have yet to use since that trip. I have been going every few years since then, my most recent trip at this point, was in 2019 and it was the first time I went with my sister. It was also two years before I lost my mom and just a year before COVID. It was more like months, considering the trip was in September 2019. During that first trip together, my sister and I had the greatest time visiting all the things on our must-see list. Now in 2024, we were ready to go back together, to chase that feeling and burst of happiness we had before life became so difficult. That was the last time we truly felt happy, so we figured this trip should be able to, at the very least, stunt the depression and anxiety that had accumulated since then.

It was also a plus that tickets were somewhat affordable along with the hotel. But even with these lower-than-average prices, I ultimately had to dip into my savings, a whole other battle within itself. However, I convinced myself to commit, thinking this trip would be the place that would help me find inspiration, motivation, and pure joy. Looking back on it, that’s a lot to put on a 3-day trip, in the middle of the week, with a tight budget.

And even when considering the budget, I was on a mission to buy new outfits for this trip, founded by the nagging notion that nothing in my current possession was inspiring enough. I approached this task like any other sage Millennial and made a Pinterest board of the vibe I was striving for. It was here in this app, that conceptualized the idea of 90’s summer looks. It all really derived from a picture of Whitley from A Different World.

She looked so fabulous in this halter top and high-waist pants. It was giving fashion without doing too much and I was so desperate to shed any part of me that looked like I was from Florida. My apologies for going on a fashion tangent in the middle of this story, but no one really cares about the fashion where I live because it is hot 24/7 pretty much all year. And the heat and humidity make going outside so unbearable that people put comfort over style. I don’t completely blame them; I find myself doing the same on occasion. But when is there a better time to play dress up than on vacation? It’s a time dedicated to escaping, so why not escape to another look or change in appearance? I was able to find some looks from Nordstrom Rack and spent a decent amount for one outfit I convinced myself I needed in order to have a good time. I got my second look from Marshalls as the purse strings were getting tighter, but I told myself it was a casual look so shopping at Marshalls is forgivable. The look was based on a photo of Tyra Banks from her character in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

Another high-waisted look, jeans to be more precise, but still with a 90s flare which actually brought a little joy before the trip, merely due to nostalgia. And even after spending all that money on clothes I was determined to wear; the excitement I usually possess before a trip was nowhere to be found.

Usually that alone was enough, buying outfits and having an actual place to wear them out to. But leading up to the trip, I didn’t feel any excitement, just anxiety and dread, which turned to avoiding any other preparations for the trip until the very last minute. It was as if my brain was determined to remind me that this vacation was only a temporary escape and that all the feelings, I was running from would still be waiting for me when I got home. However, I eventually convinced myself that would all change once I got to New York, I just needed to be there and see it.  Consequently, my avoidance of preparations until the last minute resulted in getting very little sleep. My sister and I had booked an early flight, so we could spend the rest of the day at the Met and a movie at Byrant Park. This seemed like a good idea until we had to wake up and get cute at 5:00 am.

We landed in New York twenty minutes ahead of schedule, which in retrospect was a gift because the air train and the journey to our hotel took way more time than anticipated. When we dropped off our luggage and left for the Met, we only had just under 2 hours to spend there. In addition to our planned duration being cut in half, my top decided to not stay zipped. This top, which straps were a little big on me, was tried on multiple times before the trip, and never had this happened. I couldn’t believe that my top, my beloved clearance find from Nordstrom Rack was betraying me like this! It was bad enough I dropped that much money before the trip. Even worse, I rationalized my purchase with the praises I was getting from my sister, the night before when I tried it on. But that apparently was premature and unwarranted as the zipper was determined to keep falling as I was running through the city hopping from train to train. Thank God I brought a jacket, that was truly only meant for the plane, to cover up the failed top. Although, it was 90 degrees and even with the absence of Florida humidity, it was sweltering hot! All these unforeseen mishaps started as soon as we landed, and continued one after another, so it was hard for my sister and I to bask in any magic on the first day. We were making it to all these places we have been anticipating seeing but letting all the negative occurrences outshine the event. Even when arriving in Byrant Park to watch The Talented Mr. Ripley, the magic was deferred by not being able to find a seat on the lawn and being 15 minutes late.

But, halfway through the movie we managed to get the perfect view and the magic we were overlooking all day, made its way to us again. We were surrounded by countless people, an underestimated amount, all there to experience the same thing as us. The energy was palatable but also serene and under the cityscape, I was able to soak in all the magic I was searching for. I felt small and insignificant in all the best ways. My problems were melting away as my brain focused on the movie and its intriguing plot, some of the intrigue being due to missing the beginning. But it was also appealing to finally be able to get lost, even for just a moment, in a city I missed dearly and always dreamed of calling home. And for that moment I was brought back to my twenty-something youth, reigniting the fantasy of what it would be like to live here, to have tiny moments like this constantly. Additionally, being able to see so many different types of cultures and people that you don’t feel like you stand out. Being consumed by all the hustle and bustle of your surroundings, you would have no time to sink into a depression pit made up of your couch.

Alas, the rest of the trip continued much like the beginning of the first day. My sister and I had magic being deferred left and right. Between the long waits at bars, missing the first hour of Harry Potter on Broadway, and trying to budget time and money responsibly, to say the least, it was challenging. We were stumped on what had changed from the last time we were here. It didn’t seem like we had to search this hard for magical, inspiring moments the last visit. Was it the fact that we were taking more trains instead of cabs? Was it because we had less money to spend even though my sister and I were making more money than ever before? Were we not spending our time appropriately? It took us some time, but we realized the difference between this trip and the last was us. We were different as individuals.

We then decided halfway through the trip, to stop putting pressure on everything and ourselves to get that magic back. I mean Harry Potter was an appropriate place to look, including Mercer Labs. But it all felt rushed and like there wasn’t enough time. And sure, more time could have helped us plan better. But is there ever going to be enough time and money to replace a connection you lost in your life? Ultimately, the more we thought about it, it was all too familiar of a feeling, much like the ache of not having enough time with our mother. It was nothing that we planned for, how could we have known that something that bad could happen so soon? She was relatively young; we were relatively young. However, my sister, brother (even though he was not on this trip), and I were constantly reminded that life cannot be planned out. Unexpected things happen all the time. You can try to escape them, and find other ways to fill that void, but life will always remind you where you stand. Life will strip away fantasies and romanticism. And although it’s nice to get away, your changed outlook remains with you everywhere you go. Perhaps it’s okay to embrace that new outlook as it will make you see things differently and even better, more vividly.

The best moments on this trip weren’t dependent on the clothes or time but finding joy in the small details. For instance, getting off the air train and immediately seeing all the MetroCard machines being used in different languages to then see people of multiple races enjoying the Harlem Renaissance exhibit. Or going to the Strand and finding a book I have been searching for, for months, on the highest shelf on the 1^st floor, to then conquer my fear of heights just to retrieve it.

Another instance included watching Harry Potter on Broadway, the first Broadway play I have ever seen, and being instantly flooded with the memory of the very first play I ever saw. Which in turn reminded me of how my love of theatre was solidified.

Then there was thrifting at a boutique completely out of my price range but having the people working there look just like me, not sizing me up or following me around with accusing eyes and whispers. Which resulted in me being able to really enjoy browsing and getting lost in fashion.

In all these moments I was truly able to enjoy my new environment and the change in scenery, especially in one very particular moment. While touring Mercer Labs, there was an exhibit whose purpose was dedicated to a sound experience. As I walked into a fog-covered and pink-padded room, I noticed the group before me, was seated on the floor quiet and still. At this moment, I probably had 30 minutes left and five or more exhibits to walk through. I scanned the room as best as I could through the fog and noticed there was nothing else in the room to look at. So, if I wanted to, I could walk right to the next exhibit to fit every exhibit within the allotted time I had left. But I asked myself, “Is the purpose just to be in every room to say I’ve been there and saw that? Am I missing moments by rushing? Why is it that time always seems to be an enemy of mine?” Rushing through exhibits and scheduling my time down to the very minute is not relaxing and throughout previous moments of the trip, wasn’t fruitful. In turn, taking my camera out and recording everything was having me view everything with literally a narrow point of view. When considering all these things I decided to sit down like the group before me. And as I sat on the floor, thankful they had us wear shoe covers, I tried to listen to just the sounds. The sounds were much like what you would hear while out in nature. I tried to imagine myself out in the woods with fog emitting from a nearby swamp. And although I wasn’t physically seeing anything new, I felt a little magic, sitting there in a quiet, pink-padded room, eyes closed and very still.

However, on the morning of my and my sister’s departure, a familiar sadness clouded my introspections. I felt just as I was starting to appreciate my surroundings, that’s when my revelations truly began.  But I discovered all the keys to making the most out of this vacation too late. It felt like all the opportunities to take any of the things I learned throughout the trip and apply them appropriately were missed. Sure, I could bring them back with me to apply them to the monotony that awaits me back home, but would they be of any use at home?

It was then I realized that the majority of people wait until they are somewhere else or ripped from their routine to try anything new. I include myself within this majority. Even when considering how escapism allows one to indeed escape and reset, is it really necessary to evoke inspiration?

Intrinsically the desire to escape is because your current environment has proven to be unbearable. And perhaps the pressure put on escaping, in this case, a short trip out of town, is impossible to overcome because it will never be long enough to escape the feelings of dread of having to go back to real life. Therefore, the only solution that is left is to pour just as much intention and effort into everyday life. I decided to make it a priority to find the time in my day-to-day to pursue magical moments. And I’m not referring to changing my outlook to a more positive one, it may not be as obvious in this article but I’m a pretty positive person. What I’m referring to is changing things about my life that will no longer cause dread to return to. Transfer more energy to things that inspire my creativity, that fuel the joy that is needed to notice magical moments. And although this journey of changes may take longer than a week of PTO. It will be worth the limitless abundance of happy moments that are no longer confined to escaping or spending unnecessary amounts of money.

So, to everyone who is planning summer vacations, take my story and experience as a cautionary tale. Don’t put so much effort on a vacation and nothing in your everyday routine. Set your vacation up for success by making your home life just as exciting. As I prepare to do the same, I will also undoubtedly be counting the days to my next vacation, but this time I will be ready to embrace my new outlook instead of running away from it.

For more pictures of my New York trip and the outfits, follow me on Instagram!